Shades of Grey
by capricious star
Summary: Told by Peter. I strived to make this original and not one of those mad-raving-lunatic-Peters that spill everything out at once. Instead, Peter is calm, collected ... indifferent. Ach, I suck at summaries. Well, please R/R anyway.


****

Shades of Grey

***

****

Author's Note: Ach, I cannot believe I posted this. It started out as simply a study on Peter's character, one that hasn't been portrayed yet. It ended up turning into a fic. Ah me, what have I done? What have I done? Well, if you wish to see more, please review. 

****

Disclaimer: I own none of this.

***

My name is Peter.

That's all. If I had a last name, it is of no importance to you. _If_ I had a last name, then I have long forgotten it. 

I could tell you all this in a few simple, blunt, vague sentences. I was in the shadow of a few, great friends. This frustrated me, so I turned to the Dark side. I betrayed my friends, which resulted in their deaths, physically and mentally. I ruined their lives. There is more, but I care not to tell about that.

It would be so simple, now, wouldn't it, if what had happened was _really_ like that? So simple, so short, so _easy_. As clear as if it would all have been outlines in black and white.

But, of course, there were shades of grey.

Since you have asked for my story, I will tell it. The sun is setting now, no? I must sound like a bitter, old man who has seen too much of the world and is not close enough to the end. You are wrong. I am but forty. Old to you, such youth you possess, but young in comparison to the rest of the world. And I am extremely close to the end. Master has ordered my execution at dawn, is it not so? I have about ten hours to tell my tale.

So I will tell it.

This is my story. Mine, Peter's, and no one else's. It includes everything I have just said, along with the shades of grey and the strangled emotions. And much, much, more. You think I talk queer? Ah, a man behaves strangely in his last hours, methinks. Excuse me if I start to twitch or burst out in tears. It cannot be helped. But do not interrupt. This story belongs to me, one of the last few things I own.

So. Young Death Eater, this is my story.

Mine.

***

My father had died long, long ago. When I was about three and a half, I think. I cannot recall everything with great accuracy. It has been a long while, and much has happened in between.

My mother's name was Alexandria. Alexandria Pettigrew. She preferred for her friends and family (other than me, of course) to call her Alyx. Mother had some sort of syndrome, in which she twitched at random times and blinked rapidly. This however, did not diminish her love for me. I am not ashamed, however, to admit that at times I did not like calling her my mother. Who would want to have an afflicted being such as she for a mother? 

I see the look of shock and dismay on your face. Ah, young one, when Master is finished with you you shall be much like me. I am not always as cold and indifferent as this. But when you are facing your deathbed, I suppose one always loses his humanity.

So there. I was ashamed of my mother.

When I received my letter for Hogwarts- don't curl your lip like that; Hogwarts, in a way, led my way to the Dark Lord -so, as I was saying, when I received my letter for admission to Hogwarts, I was apprehensive. Would I find any friends at Hogwarts? My social attempts so far had been unsuccessful, and thus had dwindled in number, as did my self confidence. 

So when I stepped onto Platform 9 3/4, I was scared. Yes, scared.

Don't look at me like that.

I was generally scared for the rest of my life.

It was on the train, in one of the compartments, in which I met James Potter. Don't sneer like that. I'm close to death, so what matters if I die with one more murder upon my hands, anyway? It is stained with blood already.

I am glad you have agreed to stop interrupting. It is for your own benefit.

Ah, now, where was I? The train. I met James Potter. His long-time childhood friend, Sirius, came bounding into the compartment a few moments after. I never really liked Sirius from the start. He always seemed to know my future, what I would become, what I am now. Did I mention that Sirius is excellent at Divination when he wants to be?

Anyway, back to James. To me, James was some sort of people magnet. He had charisma, and was very charming. And polite.

Sirius wasn't exactly polite. Or charming. He was wild, playful, robust. With charisma. Sometimes you could catch him pondering over philosophies and such, but not often. He still thought a great deal, however, though how he found the time I really do not know.

James and Sirius welcomed me into their little group of two somewhat hesitently. I minded, but- hmm, I minded _does_ sound a bit awkward, doesn't it? But I _did_ mind -well, I suppose that was a bit selfish of me, of course, but I am not going to pretend I am selfless and kind and such nonsense. It's my deathbed, and furthermore, I am a Death Eater.

I spent my life quivering and cowering nonetheless.

We met Remus in our classes. James discovered him, of course. Like I said before, James was a people magnet. After being Remus's partner in Potions, in which they seemed to have had fun making fun of Severus Snape- yes, Snape, the traitor -Remus was part of us.

Remus was a little quiet and shy, but once you got to know him, he was actually quite a fine fellow. We didn't discover the fact that he was a werewolf until a few months after Hogwarts began. I was scared to death, of course, but Potter and Black, being the brave, intrepid things they were, resolved to become Animagi. 

Oh, how I protested. I knew I would agree in the end, though. I always do.

It would show us in our true character and form, Sirius had said, eyes glinting. He told James he would expect James' Animagus form to be a prima donna ballerina, complete with toe shoes. Oh, he spent the rest of the week in the hospital wing, after the curses and hexes James threw at him. They gave me quite a laugh, which made Sirius throw a curse at me. Which one it was, I do not know, I have forgotten. I still have the scar, however. Do you see? Look! It is there.

Sirius was very powerful. Especially gifted in Charms and Divination, he topped James in those classes. James, however, held his own in Transfiguration and Astronomy. In all the other classes, they both tied for top of the class, except in Charms, Potions, Astronomy and Defence Against the Dark Arts. No Gryffindor would ever have the highest marks in Potion. Sirius tied with Lily in Charms, Lily was top in Astronomy, and Remus was top in DADA. Ah, Lily ... but I shall get to her in a moment. 

I, myself, never was at the top for anything. I did satisfactorily in all my subjects, getting only slightly better marks in Herbology and Potions. Herbology, I remember Snape sneering. Herbology, the class of the Hufflepuffs. Yet my success in Potions never ceased to baffle him. Not like I was the best- Snape was. Ah, you share my dislike of him with me? How companiable.

We finally succeeded in becoming Animagi. Sirius becoming a rather large, black dog, which had succeeded in amusing us all, and James becoming a stag. This seemed to confuse all the others, but to me it seemed fitting. The stag, such a noble, swift creature. Brave, defiant, the spirit of which artists amongst the world have tried to capture and failed. James, the stag.

And during all this an undeniable, raging envy was growing inside me, mostly of James. Yes, it was all very well that the other two were regular animals when transformed into Animagi, but I had to become a rat! Yes, you know how my nickname comes about now. Wormtail. Wormtail the Rat. 

I hated it.

Yet it fit me, fit my character, oh-so very well.

I suppose the entire Animagus thing was what sparked my jealousy. Jealousy towards them all, but mainly towards James. You wish to know why? Why I singled James out? The answer is a single word.

Lily.

Lily. She was my entire world, my entire life, my everything. I never really noticed her, or girls at all, as a matter of fact, until the rest of the "marauders", as we teasingly called ourselves, began to take notice in the feminine side of Hogwarts.

Sirius was never really a ladies' man. Oh, yes, thousands of girls loved him, but he always loved only one out of the throng. Who it was, I never found out. I doubt if James knew who it was either, or Remus. We certainly spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out who was the object of affection in Sirius' heart. I, myself, sometimes suspected it was Lily, but I was never sure. Sometimes it seemed like it, yet at other times ... the Sirius _I_ knew would have bounded up to the girl he liked and announced his undying devotion towards her in front of everyone in the Great Hall. But there was an Inner Sirius, as there is in all of us. And if it really was lily, there was no way Sirius could have done so, since she was James' and James' only. 

Right from the beginning, James was hers and she was his. There was never any chance for me. None at all.

He met her during Transfiguration, towards the end of fifth year. How? Ah, yes, the unoriginal, ever so common formula to James meeting people and people loving him: partners.

They were partners in Transfiguration in which they were trying to turn seats into ducks. Lily accidentally turned _James_ into a duck instead, and had spend the rest of the week in the hospital wing seated next to his cot, devastated over what she had done. I suppose the week there, cooped up together, was what had been the start of their relationship. As you can see, I would have had no chance, no chance at all.

I never went to any of the balls with anyone. James, of course, went with Lily. Sirius went with a girl here and a girl there, never with anyone twice. Even Remus managed to find someone who would go with him. They weren't that bad, either. It seemed that it was only I who was left out.

It was lonely.

Oh, I suppose you are impatient to know how I reached the Dark Lord and offered myself to his services. That will come in time. For now, I am thirsty, hungry. It seems that Master wishes to pamper me in my last hours. It is all very well, indeed. Oh, you say, you wish to know the story a bit more in detail? You want me to indulge and plunge even deeper into that grey murkiness that lies beneath? We shall sea.

Rest while I eat. I will not be long.

***

****

Author's Note: Whether I continue this is all up to you. Depending on how many reviews I get, of course. I could just as easily lose inspiration as I have now just gained it. :) Oh, come on, it isn't that hard to simply type a few words or two, now, is it?

***


End file.
